Remodeling a house seems like a pragmatic affair on the surface, but I'm discovering that it taps into a lot of vulnerabilities and perhaps a touch of crazy. There are concerns about money, the constant paranoia that you're making the wrong choice and things won't come together, the time pressures, and a lot of compromise with the team of professionals who are trying to advise you and execute on everything. It turns out that a home, even a part-time one, is an intensely personal space, and it says a lot about how you inhabit your life. I may have gone a little nutty once or twice, but I have hoped that most of the turmoil was remaining under the surface, or at least confined to private consultation with my dearest buddies. I mean, after all, I am trying to finish up my last few classes at Berkeley, adjusting to a new role and my boss leaving, as well as trying to pull off a remodel prior to ski season - it would be normal if a few cracks showed up, right? I think, "I'm probably playing it off, at least I hope I am." And then comes the day my contractor says, "do you listen to Ted talks?....There's a couple of videos that I think you'd really like..." And he sends me this:
Now, I'm pretty sure that QB is more intuitive than the average man; in fact, he might be a savant. And the video is really great - great and frighteningly insightful. But it also means that the crazy is coming to the surface way too much and those cracks might be starting to take on gorge-like proportions. I am thankful for the video. If you like it, you should also watch the sequel and I would recommend Brené's book, Daring Greatly. I am not sure how I will apply all of this, but I do think that I need to find my own way to achieve the wholehearted state she talks about, or at least to get closer. At a minimum, it might be time for more sleep, some deep breaths, spending time with people I love, and giving myself the benefit of the doubt in all this.
